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Doncaster's Drunken Poetry Page
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Pubs and Clubs to get Pissed in...
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PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS SITE HAS NOW BEEN RELOCATED TO IT'S NEW HOME AT:
WWW.DONCASTERSDRUNKENPOETRY.8M.COM
I HAVE LEFT THE POETRY CONTENT ON THIS SITE TOO THOUGH, AS I SEE NO REASON TO REMOVE IT. PLEASE VISIT THE NEW, ENHANCED VERSION OF THIS SITE, AS IT BOASTS MANY MORE PICTURES, POEMS AND OTHER BRILLIANT THINGS. YOU WON'T BE DISAPPOINTED!
THE 'BARNBURGH BARD' (N. HOPKINSON).
THE COACH & HORSES
�1.10 a double, a double, a double,
Get 'em in, make some trouble
Vodka, whiskey, rum and gin
Knock 'em back, get more in,
Fuckin' hurry up fat cunt slim
Get movin' or I'll break a limb
�1.10 a double, a double, a double,
Get 'em in, make some trouble
"What the fuck's he lookin' at?
The ugly, cheeky arrogant twat",
"I'm not 'aving this, the sweaty runt"
"Yeah, fuck it, MURDER THE CUNT!!!"
�1.10 a double, a double, a double,
Get 'em in, make some fuckin' trouble.
SILKS' POEM
We're going to Silks
For a tequila slammer,
Then we're gonna smash the place up
With a ten-pound hammer
Fat twat bouncer trying to stare me out,
"Smack the bastard, glass the cunt", I shout,
Eager to continue my alcoholic session,
I am forced to teach the muthafucka' a lesson
Then I can get back to my pint of tequila
with the ultimate aim of thrashin' a three-wheela,
Then we'll go out and mug an old dear,
Glass the bitch, buy more beer.
ODE TO VISAGE
We're trying to find Visage,
It's late at night,
Totally fucked,
Don't give a shite
Fat bastard bouncer
Stood on the door,
Better let me in
Or I'll glass the cunt to the floor
We're trying to find Visage,
It's late at night,
Pissed as a bastard,
Don't give a shite
Once we're in
Knock back more gin,
Smash our glasses on some ugly twat
"Oh shit, he's got a baseball bat!"
We're trying to find Visage,
It's late at night,
Paraletic,
Don't give a shite
Don't back off, there's only ten o'the tossers,
Smack the bastards, we'll show who's bosses,
Don't know what's going on
Fuck it, just smack anyone
We're trying to find Visage,
It's late at night,
Unconscious,
Don't give a shite.
TUT 'N' SHIVE SHITHOLE SONG
Tut 'n' Shive shithole
Full of sweaty shite,
Boring as fuck
Start a fight
"Let's get movin', this place's shit"
"Wait on, let's laugh at that greasy git",
"Yeah, look at his long girly hair"
"Sweaty bastard, pass me that chair!"
Tut 'n' Shive shithole
Full of sweaty shite,
Boring as fuck
Start a fight
"Go on, smash it over his head"
So I did, and the dirty twat bled,
His mate came over, looked like a bull
Another sweaty cunt, so I glassed his skull
Tut 'n' Shive shithole
Full of sweaty shite,
Boring as fuck
But good for a fight.
DULCE EMPORIUM EST (FRENCH BOLLOX POEM)
It's the Emporium
It's Thursday night,
We're gonna get pissed
We're gonna have a fight
Hurry up, get 'em in
Vodka, whiskey, rum and gin,
Knock 'em back, get 'em down
Let's get bolloxed, we're off round town
It's the Emporium
It's Thursday night,
We're gonna get rat-arsed
We're gonna have a fight
Next a pint, down in one
Smash a bottle, glass someone,
"You fuckin' wanker", screams Rich with a shout,
"Smack the cunt, let's get thrown out"
It's the Emporium
It's Thursday night,
We're gonna get plastered
We're gonna have a fight.
BEHIND BARS (PARIS GATE POEM)
We're vomiting all the way to the Paris Gate,
And when we get there, we're gonna have a fate,
Beat the barman til he's black and blue,
Glass the bastard, 'cos we're the 'ard cru
Knock back the vodkas at full throttle,
Too slow, fuck it - down the bottle,
Bouncer makes his way over, sees I'm pissed
"Only just startin'" I shout, and give him some fist
Slim bounces over, says he's called 999
Knock him out, down more wine,
Faster than light, like Ryan Giggs
Hear a siren, must be the pigs
In they run, Jim starts to waken
Rich shouts "leggit, it's the fuckin' bacon",
Don't make it, though we run like hell,
Wake next mornin' in a jail cell.
COACH 'N' HORSES 2 (POST DOUBLE PRICE CHANGE)
Down in one, down in one, down in one,
10p more, it's a con, glass someone,
"We're being ripped off, so's your head"
Coach 'n' Horses twat lay and bled
"Is this how you repay our loyalty?
�1.20 a double? fuck's sake, we're not royalty",
Ugly fucker tried to explain the rise
Pissed off, so I gave him some black eyez
"Muthafucka', you're a bastard liar"
"Yeah, you ungrateful twat, we'll set you on fire",
Cunt was scared shitless, served me for �1.10
"Good job twatface" I said, "Don't do it again"
Down in one, down in one, down in one,
"Fuck it - let's glass someone".
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Other Places Worthy of a Poetic Word...
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ODE TO KEBAB HOUSE
We're off to Clio's for a kebab
Then we're gonna hijack a cab,
Beat the driver til he can't see
Bolloxed, but goin' home for free
�2.60 each, full of fat
Foreign bastards, served by a twat,
Covered all over in chilli sauce
Shove it back in his face with undue force
Looks like one of the Klu Klux Clan,
So I rammed his head into a high-powered fan,
"Lower yer fuckin' prices", someone gave a shout,
Twat started to answer back, so I knocked him out.
ODE TO LIBEL AND SLANDER
Fuck slander, load of shit
Bollox to libel, you smelly git
How the fuck 'ave I slagged ya' off?
I only said that ya' looked like a puff,
Stupid bastard, you must be mad
Take me to court? Fuck - you are sad
Fuck slander, load of shit
Bollox to libel, you smelly git
What the hell is wrong with you?
I only made it public that you ate poo,
Then ya' get angry and shout at me
You irrational bastard, throw yourself in the sea
Fuck slander, load of shit
Bollox to libel, you smelly git
I really don't understand what ya' say
Shit, I only broadcasted that you're gay,
But ya' take it again the wrong bleedin' way
You dense cunt, now you'll fuckin' pay
Fuck slander, load of shit
"Bollox to libel" I scream in a mad fit.
ODE TO EXAMZ
It's exam time, another week off
Load of bollox, time to glass a boff,
Write a letter to Mr. Examiner Tit
"Giz a fuckin' first, yer piece o' shit"
Stroll into exam room, only half-hour late,
Cunt says it's the wrong room, start a fate,
Eventually end up in the right fuckin' room,
Invigilator twat gives a look of doom
It's exam time, another week off
Load of wank, time to nobble a boff,
Give a phone-call to Mr. Examiner Dick
"Giz a fuckin' first, yer fuckin' prick"
Oh bollox, it's the wrong fuckin' exam,
Thought it was systemz, but it's some economicz sham,
Sit down next to Slim, fat ugly runt,
"Giz fuckin' answer", I tell the cunt
It's exam time, another week off
Absolute crap, let's glass a toff,
Go round to visit Mr. Examiner Clown
"Giz a fuckin' first, or I'll knock yer down"
Fat bastard Slim won't tell me what to put,
"Ugly git, I'll slash yer fat gut",
Cunt at the front looks up, asks what's going on,
"Shut the fuck up, or I'll throw yer in't Don"
It's exam time, another week off
Waste of time, crush a boff,
See Mr. Examiner cunt step out of his Nova,
"Giz a fuckin' first" I shout, and run him over
Write a load of bollox, so I don't fail,
Slim's wrote a book, Invigilator looks pale,
Finish an hour early, like a brainy runt,
Examiner better give me 100%, or I'll glass the cunt
It's exam time, another week off
A reason to get pissed and glass a boff,
Send a missile to Mr. Examiner Tit,
Only gives me 99%, so I murder the git.
ODE TO WORK
Fuck employment, too much like hard work,
Get on the dole, maim an ugly Turk
First off to a supermarket, working for a twat
See him out of hours with my baseball bat,
On the Wines and Spirits dept. ? last for half a year,
Then get sacked for guzzling all the beer
Fuck employment, too much like hard work,
Enrol at college, the grant?s the best perk
Then off to some call-centre, full of freaks
Shitter than before, last for six weeks,
Get calls from wankers with no IQ
?Bollox? I shout, ?I quit ? fuck you?
Fuck employment, too much like hard work,
Every time I get sacked I give a smirk
Now there?s some placement crap for a whole year,
Fuck that, get the sack, down more beer,
It won?t happen anyway, who?ll employ me?
Don?t give a fuck ? I?m gonna be free
Fuck employment, too much like hard work,
Live life, don?t die ? and then maim a Turk.
FIGHT AT THE FAYRE
Off we go to the scrubber?s fayre
Pissed as bastards, we don?t care,
Trying to make us pay a bleedin? pound
?Fuck that, jump on ? bloody sound!?
Round it goes really quick
Bollox, makin? me feel sick,
?Slow it down twat?, I give a shout
?Fuck it?, and I throw up on some fellow lout
Fat runt waits for me to get off
So I jump out at high speed to glass the puff,
Bleedin? nobhead runs off like a scared cat
Foreign jessie, a real ugly twat
Onto the dodgems at fuckin? last
Put my foot down, go really fast,
Down a pint of Special Brew beer
?Right, get ready for a maiming you fuckin? old dear!?
WE'RE GOING TO IBIZA
We're going to Ibiza, Ibiza, Ibiza,
We're gonna get pissed and nobble a foreign geezer
Drunk as cunts, we board the plane
Fucking pilot looks like David Lane,
Stand up to glass the twat in mid-flight,
All tanked-up and lookin' for a fight
Run down to the cockpit, maim a hostess
Then start on Lane's clone and make a mess,
Stupid cunt then can't get us landed
He's half dead and we're fuckin' stranded
Out we all jump, into the sea
Rich can't swim, neither can Lee,
Fall unconscious, but I get washed ashore
Lost my passport, so I'm apprehended by the law
Later make my escape and head for the beach
Find Rich and Lee clung together like a leach,
Rich is barely breathing, Lee looks pale
So we head for San An to down some ale
Meet up with the rest of the crew at a bar
All talkin' shit outside the Cafe Del Mar,
Later we head to cause Kaos, and to Manumission
Where we all engage in a slaying competition
Lee wins as usual, with me a close second
Nobbling Johnny Foreigner just like I'd reckoned,
End up spending a week in the sun, being scorched,
Beetroot red, feel like I've been torched
Bird with a tight cunt tells me to lick it
So I do, and she nicks my return ticket,
Have to stowaway in the nearest boat
Captain finds me so I slit his throat
Sail back myself, on the 'High and Mighty'
Land Ahoy! "Fuck me, it'd better be Blighty",
Arrive back in Donny two months late
Straight down the pub, lookin' for a fate,
Down a bottle of gin, my throat starts to burn,
"Fuck me", I think, "some people never learn"
We're going to Ibiza, Ibiza, Ibiza,
"Like fuck we are" I shout, "I'm no foreign geezer".
ODE TO FAT CUNT LECTURER
What the fuck's this Business Policy shit?
And who the fuck is that fat git?
Talking bollox about SWOT and PEST,
Sign my name in as 'Fredrick West'
What the fuck is she talking about?
Better shut her face, or she'll get a clout,
Nagging on about some work for next week
20 stone of pure fat, a fuckin' freak
Shouts at Lee, tells him not to talk
"Fuck you" he says, and starts to walk,
Hed enough of her bad attitude
Fat motherfucka', always eating food
Then we get some careers bloke, a real prat
Promoting the 'labour market', fucking twat,
Telling us all to apply for work
"Fuck it" I think, "better to shirk".
ODE TO THE INTERNET
Get on the net, get online
Enter a chat-room, give a nasty sign,
Send an e-mail threat to Jamie Ives:
"You fat cunt, I'll take yer family's lives"
Register your e-mail in Richard Ford's name,
Then send David Lane threats of a maim,
"You dirty, smelly, ugly prat -
Give me a first you four-eyed twat"
Set up a website full of filth and libel
Make sure it's called the BAAS Bible,
Give out the address to all the college queers
Then sit back and grin, with a few beers
Finally, go into the Packie's room on Yahoo! Chat
Fucking bastards, talk to a foreign twat,
"You smelly, filthy Asian runts
Get back to France you Spanish cunts".
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Are you a Pissed-up Poet too, or Just Fucked in the Head?
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If you are now suitably inspired (pissed) enough to compose such works of modern-day literature, please e-mail them to me at the below address, and as long as they are fucked-up enough to cause some kind of social conflict, I will publish them in this space (whilst also mentioning you, the author, of course). You may like to write an ode about your most memorable piss-ups (sorry, a contradiction), or even a poem about some ugly, smelly, filthy, wanker that you've always hated. Well now you can show off your creative talents to the whole world! Just write them and send them to me and I will make you a poetic star!
Alternatively, send me an e-mail telling me what you think of my poetic abilities, know matter how derisery (it'll be a compliment). So come on, GET FUCKIN' WRITING!!!
Finally, please note that the pictures on this page have absolutely no relevance to the text - they were just chosen because they were the best that Fortune City had to offer.
COPYRIGHT (1998/99) ALL RIGHTS RESERVED - "RESPECT, OR BE GLASSED".
Here's my personal guide to a typical Thursday night around Doncaster:
THE BAAS GUIDE TO A SOUND, YET INEXPENSIVE THURSDAY NIGHT IN DONCASTER.
1) ? Start off in The Paris Gate at 7:00pm, with a pint of JB?s Bitter (�1.10). Then head back to the bar for a bottle of JB?s Alcoholic Iron Brew (99p - known as the poor man?s WKD), and end your visit to this fine alehouse with a double shot of your choice (�1.00).
Next, make your way up the road to The Emporium.
2) ? Formally known as The Cleveland Arms, The Emporium has been serving up cheap and cheerful alcohol since it became apparent that it was clearly the thing to do within the ale market. Once again, a pint of JB?s Bitter is on the cards (�1.10), which should be swiftly followed by a trip to the notorious Lucky Dip machine (�1.00). Whatever emerges however, is bound to be of the lowest possible taste quality (i.e. DNA ? alcoholic springwater), and should thus be downed in one whilst holding one?s nose tightly. Also, look out for special offers from time to time, such as alcoholic slush and such like. Next, head down the road to the Blue Lion and Pineapple.
3) ? Formally the Saracen?s Head, this pub once attracted only a seedy, strange set of clientele, and today it is no different. However, the recent refurbishment and name alteration to The Blue Lion and Pineapple, has brought with it a whole new range of alcoholic delights. One should firstly purchase a pint of Heinekin (�1.00), which should be subsequently downed in one, using nothing but one?s teeth for gripping the glass. Next, a double shot of your choice is again on the menu (�1.00), which just has to be followed with a glass of red wine (�1.00). Also, another pint of Heinekin is just too good an offer to miss at this point, and should be taken up without hesitation (�1.00). Next, head fifty yards down the road to Nelsons.
4) ? Nelsons, a pub similar to The Emporium, is just too tempting to ignore when you?re just starting to feel slightly merry. Therefore, head inside and buy yet another pint of JB?s Bitter (this will taste foul at this stage, but one should be reminded of its mere price of �1.10, and it will soon be like drinking a glass of liquid heaven - honest). Also, another bottle of iron brew (�1.50 here, unless smuggled in from The Paris Gate), should be purchased and enjoyed to the full. Next, after a swift trip to the nearest cash-point, Yates?s Wine Lodge looms attractively.
5) ? Yates?s, the official venue for BAAS meetings, is not to be missed, even though it doesn?t fall into the category of ?cheap alehouse?. A bottle of wine each is the order of the day (�6.00), and can be downed in one if you are still not feeling any alcoholic effects. Liebfraumilch is a favourite, although a white-medium dry housewine is also acceptable. Also, a Blob is a nice complement to such an atmosphere, and should be drunk while still hot (�1.65). By now, you should be feeling rather cheerful, so a trip to ?Silks? is the perfect compliment.
6) ? Upon arrival in this establishment, one should immediately head for the bar and enquire whether any special offers are on. However, it has become customary recently for the answer to this question to be ?no?. Even so, a tequila slammer (�1.00) should be downed and a quick exit made, as it is usually close to 10:30pm, and last orders in the remaining pubs are soon to be made.
7) ? The Coach ?n? Horses is next on the list, and what a magnificent establishment it is too. Doubles of any kind can be knocked back (�1.20) and a minimum of five are usually required for a satisfactory night. Knock ?em back fast though, ?cos it?s nearly closing time at The Red Lion.
8) ? As you stumble into The Red Lion, make sure you head for the bar fast (it?s 10:59pm). Order a pint of Fosters (�1.50) and a bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale (�1.50), and try to stand after their consumption. By now, any normal human form will be in a state of hideous drunken delirium, so the forty-yard trip across the road to the Visage will obviously feel more like a ten mile run in a sea of treacle. Even so, persevere and you will stumble upon a haven of alcoholic pleasure, which will not even register in your mind the following day.
9) ? Welcome to Visage. Buy a couple of bottles of Carlsberg (60p each) and head for the dance floor if you can still see (and even if you can?t). Jump around ridiculously for the next three hours while gradually becoming more and more sober. To solve this problem, continuous trips to the bar are necessary, preferably with someone who is willing to actually pay for a few drinks. Exit at 2am (the time when you are dragged out by the scruff of your neck ? or whatever), and throw yourself into a black car, preferably a taxi. Order the driver to take you to the nearest kebab house, where you will by tradition, order a large kebab pizza and immediately down it like a wild animal and leave. Once again, jump in a car (any will do) and demand to be taken ?home?. Upon arrival, you will usually find that your key has been lost, and as a result, you will have to fall into a stupour in the garden instead. Wake up six days later, just in time for the next adventure into alcoholic nirvana.
This guide was brought to you by members of the BAAS. Thankyou for reading.
________
The following poem 'A Poem About Poems', was written by Richard Ford, a member of the BAAS. Here it is:
A POEM ABOUT POEMS
Amazing poems about some runt,
Always ending in ?glass the cunt?
Poems are ace and full of shit
Always slagging off some ugly git,
Poems are brilliant and they?re sound
Slagging off a fat bastard who?s round,
Poems are great and done in each lesson
They?re ways of finding and using aggression
Amazing poems about some runt,
Always ending in ?glass the cunt?
Poems are easy and poems are hard
Usually insulting some tub of lard,
Poems are evil and poems are mean
Full of filthy words that are unclean,
Poems are stupid and poems are nice
Not glassing once or twice, but sometimes thrice
Amazing poems about some runt,
Always ending in ?glass the cunt?
Poems for Christmas, Easter and Lent
Pillocking some queer cunt who?s bent,
Poems for May, June and July
Poems about glasses and making them fly
Amazing poems about some runt,
Always ending in ?glass the cunt?.
It has recently come to my attention that such poetry as the above does not create any demand for this most beautiful of art forms, and therefore unless you people start to send me good, inspirational literature, I will no longer publish it - OK Rich? (THE EDITOR).
Another R. Ford effort:
ODE TO BAAS LECTURERS
BAAS lecturers fucked in the head
Finding a runt and shooting them dead
First there?s Nidge, a messed up runt
Who?s always screaming ?glass the cunt?,
A qualified expert at downing wine
And nobbling whiskey in superfast time
BAAS lecturers fucked in the head
Finding a runt and shooting them dead
Then there?s Lee a violent thug
All his students get cracked in the mug,
Maiming old dears, not one but two
Slashes the bitches and gives ?em some shoe,
Always remembers to carry a brick
For the runt in front, to nobble the prick
BAAS lecturers fucked in the head
Finding a runt and shooting them dead
Can?t forget Rich, master of the glass
Who maims old cunts with skill and class,
Throwing a glass and also a knife
Causing BABS staff pain and strife,
Having mass tantrums and unprovoked fits
Glassing all runts, rats and old gits
BAAS lecturers fucked in the head
Finding a runt and shooting them dead.
(R. FORD 1999).
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